Yeah I know the title has brought you here and considering my age and my sexual experience I’m damn sure you must be feeling like Samantha Jones smirking with a hand on the hip thinking “let’s see what this twat got!”
Believe me, it’s gonna help you. I’ve experienced much more than my peers and thus have made certain resolutions that I always try to follow through thick and thin.
I know, Cliché! You’ve heard this like million times and I’m the +1 but believe me it just makes things so much easier. Being honest with yourself and people around you dodges so many complications away. The amount of energy that we spend holding up something or lying can be put somewhere where it’s needed. I believe that 90% of our problems can be solved if we just got honest with ourselves and people around us. This is something I realized when I came out to my parents a year ago and ended certain toxic friendships.
Don’t do puzzles.
You must have been friends with or been in relationship with people who when want to tell how you were wrong would try to give you a gist of it first, then give you an example of a distant friend, would express how inappropriate it is and how angry it makes them, then after hours of other kinds of Labyrinthine questionnaire, would tell you that you shouldn’t have cut them in middle of their speech and let them complete.
You know what it does? It wastes the energy of you and the other party and when you finally put the real problem forward they just don’t have the energy to deal with it or worse, there’s 60% possiblity that it would start another argument between you two while you could have just said what they did wrong, how it made you feel and discuss the solution together with peace.
Be the one who gets straight to point and make it clear that this is how you are. People around you should know that if they want to talk to you then they address you and not beat around the bush.
WAIT! Dont press back yet. This is important!
Months ago when I was ghosted by a guy I met on a hook-up site, I questioned myself. And it felt horrible. Knowing, that someone won’t even consider me for a mindless fuck made me so uncomfortable that I actually stood in front of mirror and started looking for flaws. Hours later I regained consciousness and realized this shouldn’t have even happened if I loved me first.
See it isn’t about how you look, there will always be someone more hotter than you, taller than you, has more luscious beard than you, has one more set of abs than you do. Today you’ll go to dentist to get that teeth gap fixed and tomorrow Vogue will declare that teeth gap is the new beautiful. To me this is just absurd that with so much variations around there’s only 10% traits that are considered ideal… together!
If you’ve been single around 23 years and have always met unavailable and fake guys, like I have, you’ll know that it’s more than just looks. It’s how about that person makes you feel.
Don’t judge the preferences.
We all have been there where we disapproved someone for their taste in food or music, Where we said that she’s just too high maintenance, he’s too low class, they’re too fancy for us, he’s so much into looks, oh he says he’s not into looks but he’s a fake.
It’s in our system that choices of certain people make us uncomfortable but its there because humans are competitive. It’s supposed to be a trigger for us to strive not something that faux-elevates our standards or to criticize ourselves.
Everyone has preferences, you, me, the rich, the poor, gay, straight, and all the opposing nouns…and pronouns. You’ll criticize someone for being too high maintenance and next day you won’t go all hippy. It’s just a matter of extent, you can’t be in the middle and point low or high.
Never the married folks.
Although some romantic movie would suggest you that love anyone you want, your love will find a way that isn’t true entirely. Not at the cost of a marriage and children with both their parents not around.
Coming from a big family of divorcées, cheaters, abusers, suffocating-in-marriage’rs, I should be the last person to believes in marriage but I do. A married person won’t be fully yours. A part of them is always about the family that they won’t ever leave. Or they will but it isn’t worth it. He will tell you all kinds of crap but he’s currently cheating on his wife, it says a lot about him. If she’s sane enough she’ll know she needs to get out of that marriage and if she’s not then you don’t want to be in a relationship with an insane person. Yes, there’s a thrill in seeing a married individual but it’ll only give you loads of drama.
Remember that time when your boyfriend liked your DM on Instagram instead of replying with text and then didn’t text or call you whole day? And then how you decided that they need the taste of their own medicine?
so, he leaves you hanging on your texts and don’t call you often that doesn’t mean you do the same. Your friend is busy and doesn’t check your messages, doesn’t mean you decide to avoid messaging him for hours even if you want to. Your galpal is a little secretive and doesn’t want to tell you stuff, doesn’t mean you keep stuff from her that you’d usually tell. You are not them. Yes, their behavior may seem a little weird and you might question their interest in you but giving them the taste of their own medicine will mean you’re imitating the same actions that hurt you in the first place and asking Universe for some more of it. If something bothers you ask yourself, being YOU, what action would YOU take? converse with them!
I’m really not suggesting keeping up and tolerating the toxic behaviour. There will come a time when you’ll know you’ve had enough. Be honest and brave to listen to yourself and end relations that don’t serve you.
Nobody is perfect.
Back in college days, our management hired a new psychologist considering all the recent suicides in college. After a couple months me and my friends became friends with her. Bhavna, the psychologist was very talented and good at her work but my friends thought otherwise. To them she was a little too fickle and she complained about her work, which was only a problem because she was a psychologist.
We always put our parents, partner, boss, guide in a position where they’re not allowed to make a mistake, we want them to be perfect. We reject the part of them that is imperfect. And it’s in our system that as soon as a guilty person is caught he needs to be punished. In my friends case, they punished Bhavna by judging her as “not professional” , in our parent case we judge them as “not good parents” We just don’t let go when a mistake is caught but letting go and realizing everyone is as human as you are shifts your focus from picking flaws to embracing everyone as they are and helping eachother.